D2K REVISITED

June 4th, 2015 will be the anniversary of a night I will never forget. It was the night my friend, Jo Ann, and I, saw Cher's Dressed to Kill Tour. We also had the pleasure of meeting her BFF, Paulette who took flowers and chocolate backstage to Cher for me. Awesome. I watch the concert on YouTube often and am anxiously awaiting the release of the official concert DVD.

 Don't worry, I am not going to write a commemorative post every year. Since it was just last year, I thought it would okay. Cher hopes to resume touring this fall. A viral infection forced her to cancel many tour dates last year. So, let's turn back time to June 4th, 2014. A night filled with friends, fun, and Cher!

http://confessionsofadisableddiva.blogspot.com/2014/06/d2k-what-night.html

I want to take this opportunity to congratulate Cher. She is now a model for designer Marc Jacobs. Pretty impressive for a woman who just celebrated her 69th birthday.

Image Courtesy of Glamour.com

 "Follow This You Bitches."

I DID IT!

May 9th and 10th are two days I will never forget. I did something I never thought I would do. Speak in front of an audience. I was part of, the spoken-word St. Louis production of Listen to Your Mother. The show, a tribute to moms everywhere, takes place the weekend of Mother's Day.

I cheated a little bit. My reading was pre-recorded on videotape   
When being videotaped, I was asked to read my essay numerous times to get the reading just right. I don't read out loud well because I tend to run out of breath too quickly and sometimes feel like I am gasping for breath by the time I am finished, but I did it.

My reading was first. It was a little embarrassing seeing myself on the screen. When I heard my voice my first thought was, "My God, I should never open my mouth again. " But then I thought, "That's me. That's how I sound. Accept it and move on." The nice thing about seeing myself was that I saw how much I looked like my mother. 

2015 LTYM Cast

I felt like a celebrity. Everyone was congratulating me and there were lots of photos taken. What's most important to me is that I am now part of the history of Listen To Your Mother. Something I never thought would be possible for me. The show allowed me to work with and know some very talented people. I made some great friends.

I have always been afraid to put myself out there. After my LTYM experience, I can say, "I did it!"

WHAT DO ICE CEAM AND DOGS HAVE IN COMMON?

Okay, before you get completely grossed out by the title of this blog post as in why do I want to discuss ice cream and dogs in the same post, let me explain. I think they both provide some of the same benefits. Both offer us comfort in times of stress and both can brighten our day if we are feeling down. At NHC they allow both dogs and ice cream. sometimes at the same time.

The ice cream social takes place six days a week, from two-thirty to three o'clock, in an area in the lobby that has the look and feel of a quaint ice cream parlor. Someone from the activities department is behind the counter dishing out delicious scoops of ice cream. Sure, there is Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry. No one can resist trying flavors named Caramel Caribou, Moose Tracks or Blueberry Waffle Cone. My personal favorites are Orange-Pineapple and Coffee. There are three different flavors to choose from each day. There are even days when milkshakes and root beer floats are served up. Every Wednesday is the popcorn social. Popcorn is made in a movie theater-style popcorn machine and served in bags. The socials are a place to visit with other residents. I have met other residents and enjoyed talking with them while eating my ice cream.

Sundays are when not only is there ice cream, but you might see the dogs from Love on a Leash during that time too These dogs and their owners go through training to become.pet therapy dogs. I have written blogs in the past about the benefits of bringing dogs into facilities, but now that I reside in one, I know firsthand how much these visits mean. These dogs are gentle, loving creatures whose owners make sure you get to spend time with each dog. I have difficulty reaching down to pet some of the dogs, so the bigger dogs are better for me as they can stand or sit at the side of my chair and I can pet them easily. Love on a Leash visit on Sundays and Tuesdays. I wish they came every day.

I couldn't end this post without telling you about another dog who comes every Monday with his owner, Jane. His name is Harvey. Harvey is all black, black fur, black eyes. Jane holds Harvey in her arms and when I talk to him he gives the impression that he can't be bothered and turns his face away. I continue to talk soothingly to him and pet his paw. Last Monday as I was doing this, Harvey put his paw on my arm. Jane said, 'He must like you. He rarely does that to anyone." Then, he turned his face. We were almost nose to nose. For a minute I thought he was going to give me a kiss on the nose, but he just sniffed. "Did he just give you a kiss?" Jane asked. "Almost," I told her. She was amazed because he never kisses anyone. I know my nose kiss is coming. I'll be patient Harvey.

Dogs and ice cream. You can't be sad when a dog is around or when eating ice cream. Both make people happy. That's why they are two of my favorite things.

MY JOURNEY TO LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER 2015

I have been a fan of Listen to Your Mother since the very first show in St. Louis. I love it because it pays tribute to mothers as well as anyone who takes on the role of a mother in a child's life. The stories are sad, happy, humorous, they cover every emotion, but most of all, they are real. I don't have children, but each year, as I sat in the audience listening, there was always something in each story that reminded me of the relationship I'd had with my mom and by the end of the show I usually had tears in my eyes because the stories I'd heard were so moving. 

I wished I could pay tribute to my mother in such a meaningful way, but there was no way I could do it because I don't like to speak in front of people. Believe me, when I do, it is not pretty, so I put the idea out of my mind.

Then, one Sunday afternoon, when I was alone in my house I sat at my laptop and began typing.  I wrote from my heart about my mother, our relationship and what she meant to me. An hour later I had written my essay, 

I went to the website, sat there looking at it for quite a while. Then, even though I knew they wouldn't choose my story, I hit the submit button. It was done.

I forgot about it until one morning when I checked my email. There was an email from one of the producers telling me I had been chosen to audition. I couldn't believe it. When the night of my audition came, I was nervous, but Ellie, Laura, and  Naomi, the producers, put me at ease.  I auditioned thinking it was just for fun and there was no way I would be chosen to be in the cast.

But I was. I couldn't believe it. I was thrilled beyond words. Sadly, rehearsal schedules and my caregiver schedules didn't fit together. I had to drop out. I sat in the audience last year wishing I had been able to share my story.

On the day of the show last year, Laura told me how much they had wanted me in the cast. "Wherever you are next year we will find a way to share your story." And, they did. 

Being in this show is about more than paying tribute to my mother. For me, it's about acceptance, the fulfillment of a dream and support. The support of the producers who thought my story was good enough to be a part of the show. I want to thank them for finding a way for me to tell my story that is comfortable for me.

Please come to the show if you can. Each cast member has a unique story. Stories you won't want to miss.

To order tickets go to https://www.eventbrite.com/e/3rd-annual-listen-to-your-mother-show-st-louis-tickets-15505132268

HE UNDERSTOOD

I have been seeing a therapist here since last fall. Rick would come every Friday, He listened to me and tried to help me learn better communication skills as well as ways to cope with having to live in a facility. He came without fail. 

I thought it was strange when he didn't show up by dinner last Friday.. Over the weekend, I learned the reason why. While on vacation in Florida, he was the hit-and-run victim. A truck ran him down. I was, and still am, in shock.

Rick understood the frustrations and difficulties of living in a facility. He got it. He knew it was not easy. For me personally, He understood that I would never consider this facility as my home. It is just where I have to live now. He treated me with respect and dignity The one thing that I always remember is that when we were talking he would say to me, "Well, you're a social worker, you know how it is."  Many times, when you have a disability, people talk to you as though you are not intelligent. Rick never treated me that way. He treated me as an equal. I am sure he treated everyone here the same way. He wanted to help me and everyone here get what they needed to make their lives better. The other thing he always said to me was, "I want what you want. I'm here for you."

The last time we were supposed to meet he was running late. They have a happy hour here once a month. I had planned to go.  Rick told me to go to happy hour.  He would see me again in two weeks when he returned from vacation.

Thank you Rick for caring about the things that mattered to me.

Thank you for wanting to help me become a better person. 

I will never forget you.

GRIEF...IT'S UNIVERSAL

Grief. We've all experienced it. That sense of loss and unbearable sadness when you think your life will never be the same again because the loss is so great. Grief doesn't distinguish on the basis of race,  socio-economic class, ethnic background or religion. There is no language barrier when it comes to grief. An individual's body language and facial expressions speak volumes when it comes to sadness and grief. It doesn't matter where you live, no one will escape the feelings of grief and loss in their lifetime.

 I am still grieving over Lucie. She was a constant source of joy for me, especially after my mom passed away. I am also grieving over the loss of my old way of living. The sale of my house and all of its furnishings. And, this week, I am grieving over what might have been regarding a situation that did not work out as I had hoped. I will try to move forward as best I can, 

The best way to deal with grief and loss is to wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other, keep moving, Playing word games on my computer helps me. I focus on the game rather than what's making me sad. There will be days when you may not feel like it, but you have to keep busy and think about what you can do to make your life better. And, what you can do to make someone else's life better. 

Grief is universal. It is the one thing everyone on this planet has experienced and can relate to. We need to help each other through it in any way we can. I know it is a cliche, but we are all on a journey called life. Sometimes we need a little help to get through the tough times. We need someone to listen, someone to care. We need someone to let us know we are not alone.

MY NEW LIFE

I am in a facility now. The move happened quickly. It was out of my control. The reasons are not important. October 15,,2014.  The day I had to leave Lucie in the care of my neighbor. The day I said goodbye to my old life. The day I realized my life would never be the same again. 

Life here consists of waiting. Waiting to get up in the morning, waiting to go to the bathroom, waiting for just about everything. I am one of the twenty-four residents on my floor now. It is not just about me anymore. 

It's a struggle each day to see that my needs are met. I have to be my own advocate. No one can do it for me. I have also tried to help advocate for another resident on my floor. I am considering becoming an ombudsman or getting my license to practice social work sometime in the future. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I do know that I want to do whatever I can to help make facilities better for all of us who live in them. That's the one positive thing that has come out of my being here. I know I want to help advocate for change.

Other than my change of address, my life is pretty much the same as it always was. I still am intent on becoming a freelance journalist, I travel into the city several times a week to volunteer at my library and still eat out with friends. The only difference is I take public transportation to my destinations now. That took some getting used to, but I think  I have gotten the hang of it. I still love to read, the only difference is I download books to my PC and Kindle now. Oh yeah, I am still a Cher fan too. I listen to music all the time here.

The saddest thing that has happened since I have been here being that Lucie has passed away. Lucie died on November 23, 2014. Five weeks after I left. I miss her daily, but  I am happy because she is with my mom now. I am thankful for all the love and care she received from my neighbor during her final weeks.

I still have a life. It may not be the life I had a year ago, but I am still as independent as I can be. I think for myself and make my own decisions just like I did before. I'm still me