REALITY BITES

I have received my final food stamp allotment until the government shutdown ends. I was advised to use them sparingly. It has yet to be determined how long the shutdown will last. Maybe years.

I received an increase in benefits. The increase will cause my Spend-down to increase. I have gained nothing.

It's not about the food stamps or Spend-down increase. It's about how all of it is making me feel. I keep wondering what my mom would say. 

I feel different. There is a definite stigma that comes with relying on the government. Whether it is self-imposed or not. It's there. I feel it every day. Now, because of the shutdown, I realize what's important. And, it's none of the things I thought were important before. Cher tickets take a back seat when I have been told to ration my food stamps. To live the way, I am now. I had to change my way of thinking. Contrary to what the name of this blog implies I am not a diva.  There are people more important than I am. People whose needs are greater than mine.

We'll always have food. This agency will not let its clients starve. It's just the idea that when my food stamps run out I will have to get my food from another source. I will appreciate it, but I will still not feel right accepting it.

Several weeks ago a friend on Facebook. posted that they could not believe I was thankful that I was still able to visit the nursing home. 

All I did for the past year was complain about the nursing home. I should be grateful for what I have. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, I am safe and there are people here to care for me. My Facebook friend does not have to depend on the government. My FB friend does not live in government housing with two other people My FB friend worked with an agency that allowed them to meet and choose their staff before they started working with them. Our circumstances are completely different. No disrespect intended, but my FB friend has no idea. No one does.  Until it happens to them. I know that I didn't.

I visit the nursing home because I need to see my friends. I visit because I feel a sense of belonging there.

It sucks depending on the government. It sucks being on food stamps. It sucks to have a Spend-down-own. It sucks to know that our government can take away things I need at any time. I am finding it difficult to be grateful. I don't feel good about myself. I have done something wrong, but I do not know how to make it right.

 I pray the shutdown ends soon in our country. I pray that President Trump will realize what is important. I pray that he chooses humanity over a wall.

A GRATEFUL HEART

I begin 2019 with a grateful heart. I am grateful for the caregivers who provide me with the care I need.

I am grateful for my large room and /or bathroom,

I am grateful that I have food to eat.

I am grateful that the Food Stamps Program is available. Grateful that I am eligible to receive them.  Without the benefit of food stamps, I would not be able to pay my bills.

I am grateful for my family and friends who visit me. I am grateful that I am still connected to the nursing home. I visit one or two days a week. I look forward to every visit.

I am grateful to have the opportunity to experience what life is like in a group. I am still very lonely. Living here can be extremely difficult. depressing. On New Year's Day, my housemates did not get out of bed. My celebration consisted of Doritos and a Lime-a-Rita followed by a frozen dinner.  It was not a very festive way to kick off 2019.

 I thought about New Year's Day, at home with my mom. We'd either go to Winter Wonderland at Tillies Park or Candy Cane Lane to see the Christmas Lights. I love Christmas lights. I have for as long as I can remember. There is something magical about them.

I am happy that I was able to spend the previous afternoon celebrating New Year's Eve at NHC. There was food, champagne, and a DJ, followed by dinner with two of my friends

People keep telling me to give it a chance here. A least a year. A year seems like an eternity to me. My nervousness at night has not decreased. If I call too much, say too much, or report an aide or incidents that happen I only hurt myself. I am willing to give it more time. I pray that I begin to feel comfortable here.

My goal for 2019 is to make a definite decision regarding where I want to live. As of now, it feels like I am living in two places at once. I am. physically in the group home. My mind is always wondering what's going on at NHC.

This house will either be my home or it won't. It's that simple.

I am grateful to have the time I need to allow me to decide what's best for me.

What are your goals for 2019?

What are you most grateful for as the new year begins?

Happy New Year.

Let's make it a great one.