REALITY BITES

I have received my final food stamp allotment until the government shutdown ends. I was advised to use them sparingly. It has yet to be determined how long the shutdown will last. Maybe years.

I received an increase in benefits. The increase will cause my Spend-down to increase. I have gained nothing.

It's not about the food stamps or Spend-down increase. It's about how all of it is making me feel. I keep wondering what my mom would say. 

I feel different. There is a definite stigma that comes with relying on the government. Whether it is self-imposed or not. It's there. I feel it every day. Now, because of the shutdown, I realize what's important. And, it's none of the things I thought were important before. Cher tickets take a back seat when I have been told to ration my food stamps. To live the way, I am now. I had to change my way of thinking. Contrary to what the name of this blog implies I am not a diva.  There are people more important than I am. People whose needs are greater than mine.

We'll always have food. This agency will not let its clients starve. It's just the idea that when my food stamps run out I will have to get my food from another source. I will appreciate it, but I will still not feel right accepting it.

Several weeks ago a friend on Facebook. posted that they could not believe I was thankful that I was still able to visit the nursing home. 

All I did for the past year was complain about the nursing home. I should be grateful for what I have. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, I am safe and there are people here to care for me. My Facebook friend does not have to depend on the government. My FB friend does not live in government housing with two other people My FB friend worked with an agency that allowed them to meet and choose their staff before they started working with them. Our circumstances are completely different. No disrespect intended, but my FB friend has no idea. No one does.  Until it happens to them. I know that I didn't.

I visit the nursing home because I need to see my friends. I visit because I feel a sense of belonging there.

It sucks depending on the government. It sucks being on food stamps. It sucks to have a Spend-down-own. It sucks to know that our government can take away things I need at any time. I am finding it difficult to be grateful. I don't feel good about myself. I have done something wrong, but I do not know how to make it right.

 I pray the shutdown ends soon in our country. I pray that President Trump will realize what is important. I pray that he chooses humanity over a wall.