IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO

 

"It would be better for everyone if you weren't here."   

Geez, tell me how you really feel. These sweet, encouraging words were said to me by a staff member. A great start to my Sunday. A great way to kick off my birthday week.

I have been working hard at changing how I respond and react to the staff in behavior therapy.  I keep a gratitude journal. I try to write something in it that's positive even when I don't feel grateful or positive. I hung out at the office working on the agency's newsletter. I was happy. (Can you believe it?) I began to think that I could make it here after all.

B.C. (Before Covid) clients would celebrate their birthdays by inviting other agency houses to celebrate their special day with them. I have lived here for almost five years and while I know some of the SCs, I have met very few of the clients.  I was determined that my party was going to change that. It was going to be awesome. Who doesn't like big cupcakes and mint chocolate chip ice cream?  The email invitation I created was funny and my Bitmoji was the cutest. I hit send.

"You knew nobody was going come to your party," a staff member told me the day before. "You don"t participate. They don't know you. (I"'m trying. I hoped hosting a party would change that.) I received zero replies. I asked my support staff to come. "I ain't coming to your party.  I ain't working that day. I don't care. Don't ask me about your party again." That was one staff member's response.  The good news is I saved a lot of money.  My party would have been epic. It's their loss.

When I was thirteen I had a slumber party for my birthday. We ate junk and stayed up giggling listening to our playlist of 45s. I looked so cool in my blue and yellow lounging pajamas with big flowers on them. We were in sleeping bags on our family room floor.  None of us got any sleep, but we had a lot of fun,

For my sixtieth birthday, my brother bought everyone at my table in the nursing home Chinese food, cupcakes, and saki. It was fun celebrating with friends.  

In other years in the nursing home, my staff friends. Chris and Julie would have a sushi birthday lunch with me.

This year no matter what my birthday will be one to remember. 

I wrote this post because  I was bummed that nobody here gave me a chance. I am trying to be accepted here. I did not write it to beg for a party. If I am begging for anything it is acceptance.

"It would be better for everyone if you weren't here."    

Well, I am here dammit. Deal with it. I rock.

Sing it, Lesley. Sing it loud. Sing it proud.