TODAY'S POSITIVE

I am excited to announce a new feature I will be adding to the end of every one of my blog posts from this point forward. It's called  Today's Positive.

I will write a positive statement about said blog post so that anyone reading my blog finishes a post feeling a little better than they did before having read it. 

I want my readers to take away positive vibes from my future posts. Even the ones that, on your first read, appear to be anything but positive. I have come to the realization that there is something positive even in the negative. I just have to look for it.

I added a Today's Positive statement at the end of my last post. You have to read the post again to find out what it is. Sneaky aren't I?

https://confessionsofadisableddiva.blogspot.com/2022/04/forgiving-myself.html 

I may just tell you something positive that happened to me.

 I parked my chair at the end of the street to watch the cars go by on the road in front of me. I met two sweet dogs who were on walks with their humans. I asked if I could pet them. My new friends' names are Riley and Sadie.   Their humans? I did not catch their names. They were very kind and friendly though. I met our mail lady too. She was smiling. Very friendly. All of this made my day

This afternoon friends are stopping by. Two friends I will be meeting for the first time. Until today we have only communicated via social media. They are friends of a friend of a friend of mine. Tomorrow I will see my nursing home besties for the first time in three years. I am anticipating lots of laughter.

Stay tuned for more of Today's Positive. I am excited. I hope you are too.

FORGIVING MYSELF

Whatever it is.

Forgive yourself.

You did your best.

Let it go.

Will Bowen

If you are anything like me you have a hard time forgiving yourself. You beat yourself up trying to fix things. Make everything right. You want approval. You want acceptance. You are probably nothing like me. You probably do not give a flying fig what anyone thinks of you. You are my hero.

The major thing I need to forgive myself for is moving here. I did not listen when I was told it would be a mistake. I have been told this organization has never had a client like me. Someone who is her own advocate., Someone who has tried to promote positive change. 

I talked with a staff member recently about how I felt when they are on the phone while providing my care. They did not get it. I am done. The staff wants me to change to accommodate them. I forgive myself for failing to do so. 

I forgive myself for causing staff members here to leave. I was told a long time ago that I do not have the power to cause staff to leave.  Their behavior is the cause of their choice to leave. 

I forgive myself. I did not follow the rules. My friends did not follow the rules when visiting. The staff is not required to offer assistance in any way when I have guests. They are not required to wash dishes when friends visit. My friends were called rude. Neither my friends nor I were aware of this rule. Now we are. 

When I host a gathering at this house I must extend an invitation to my housemates. I must forgive myself. My sincere apologies to my housemates as well as this organization  I have two gatherings coming up. After those are over I will meet my friends outside of this house  

I forgive myself for talking about my friends. The staff is sick of hearing about them. They are also tired of hearing about my dreams. My dreams are what keep me going. Without dreams, we die

I forgive myself for crying all day when I am upset or my feelings have been hurt. I can't let things go, These are called my behaviors I want to talk it out. If I report anything the staff won't talk to me. That's what I am dealing with today. Silence.

I forgive myself for not responding properly when the staff tells me to shut up. I was told to tell them to shut up right back. I will not stoop to their level. I have been told, unless someone puts their hands on me, to let it go. They are just words.

We have a great staff here. They are all about keeping us safe. I forgive myself for the times I questioned  their authority and judgment 

I own my mistakes. I own my behavior. I can't carry the burden forever. I forgive myself. 

I forgive myself for stalling in regard to changing my living situation. I have said many times that I stay for my big room and bathroom. I am scared. I know it is coming.

Today's Positive: I have a large room and a toilet to myself. That is so much more than many elderly people and people with disabilities have.  #grateful 

65 BIRTHDAYS

65 birthdays. I am excited.

 In a few days, I will have celebrated 65 birthdays.  I will be celebrating with friends I have not seen in a few years. I know we'll have an amazing time.

When I was young my birthday represented another year to accomplish all the things I wanted to do.

It also meant trying to hit as many restaurants as we could. The goal?  To get as many free birthday desserts as we could. Free dessert? My mom was in. 

Our conversation went something like this:

"Mom, my birthday was a week ago." "What"s the difference? They don't know that," she"d reply. Mom's birthday was two weeks after mine. That meant the free dessert thing would go on another week or two after hers. I would be so embarrassed.  Now it makes me laugh. There was, however, one stipulation. No singing, please. The servers at a restaurant sang Happy Birthday to me once. I was mortified.

65 birthdays. I am tired. I am over having caregivers. I am so done with hearing their phone conversations while they care for me. I am over them scrolling through their Internet feed. I have tried to explain how it makes me feel. They don't get it. I feel these activities are more important to them than I am. I am over being cursed at, yelled at, and ignored when I speak to my caregivers.

My caregivers are amazing people. I like them. They are smart and funny. I do not always like their behavior.

I do not look forward to sharing a room in an LTC facility.  While there is more staff in a nursing home,  the space must be shared. I know that and I accept that. I hope to become a volunteer at a nursing home. I have a lot to offer. I hope I will be allowed to prove that. I want to be a part of the LTC community again,   

I miss my mom. I don't know what God has in store for me, but I guess God is not ready to call me. I have asked him to. I hope whatever his plan for me is I make Him as well as myself proud.

I want to do something meaningful for the remainder of my life. I want kindness and understanding from those who take care of me, The majority of the staff that I met when I was a nursing home resident were extremely kind and helpful. I am still in contact with many of them.

Two celebrations. My friends and I will eat, drink (The margaritas will be flowing.), and be merry. Meaning I want to laugh until I can't catch my breath. I want my 65th birthday to be epic. I want to forget about all the negativity. I want to focus on the positive. I want to be happy 

65 birthdays, 65 years. Can you believe it? I am still here.

Does anyone have a Margarita?  Let's get this party started.

To contribute to my fundraiser for VOYCE:

 https://www.facebook.com/donate/483527216847648/7537983182909035/ 

To learn more about VOYCE:

https://www.voycestl.org/

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