FORGIVING MYSELF

Whatever it is.

Forgive yourself.

You did your best.

Let it go.

Will Bowen

If you are anything like me you have a hard time forgiving yourself. You beat yourself up trying to fix things. Make everything right. You want approval. You want acceptance. You are probably nothing like me. You probably do not give a flying fig what anyone thinks of you. You are my hero.

The major thing I need to forgive myself for is moving here. I did not listen when I was told it would be a mistake. I have been told this organization has never had a client like me. Someone who is her own advocate., Someone who has tried to promote positive change. 

I talked with a staff member recently about how I felt when they are on the phone while providing my care. They did not get it. I am done. The staff wants me to change to accommodate them. I forgive myself for failing to do so. 

I forgive myself for causing staff members here to leave. I was told a long time ago that I do not have the power to cause staff to leave.  Their behavior is the cause of their choice to leave. 

I forgive myself. I did not follow the rules. My friends did not follow the rules when visiting. The staff is not required to offer assistance in any way when I have guests. They are not required to wash dishes when friends visit. My friends were called rude. Neither my friends nor I were aware of this rule. Now we are. 

When I host a gathering at this house I must extend an invitation to my housemates. I must forgive myself. My sincere apologies to my housemates as well as this organization  I have two gatherings coming up. After those are over I will meet my friends outside of this house  

I forgive myself for talking about my friends. The staff is sick of hearing about them. They are also tired of hearing about my dreams. My dreams are what keep me going. Without dreams, we die

I forgive myself for crying all day when I am upset or my feelings have been hurt. I can't let things go, These are called my behaviors I want to talk it out. If I report anything the staff won't talk to me. That's what I am dealing with today. Silence.

I forgive myself for not responding properly when the staff tells me to shut up. I was told to tell them to shut up right back. I will not stoop to their level. I have been told, unless someone puts their hands on me, to let it go. They are just words.

We have a great staff here. They are all about keeping us safe. I forgive myself for the times I questioned  their authority and judgment 

I own my mistakes. I own my behavior. I can't carry the burden forever. I forgive myself. 

I forgive myself for stalling in regard to changing my living situation. I have said many times that I stay for my big room and bathroom. I am scared. I know it is coming.

Today's Positive: I have a large room and a toilet to myself. That is so much more than many elderly people and people with disabilities have.  #grateful