PUT THE BIRD IN ITS CAGE

My glasses were lost. My glasses were found. They were hiding in plain sight. Until they were found I wore a pair that I had purchased over seven years ago when I lived in my house. The glasses did not fit very well anymore, but they were Vera Wang's so that was okay. On sale, half price, a steal!

Before I started wearing glasses at the age of three, my eyes were a hot mess. Trust me on this. I saw the home movies. 

I am nearsighted, my eyes cross. and my eyes don't fuse meaning I do not see with both eyes at the same time. My eyes flick from one to the other. I used to notice it all the time. The only time I notice it now is when I am extremely tired. The same is true for my crossed eyes. Thank goodness I got glasses. 

When I was little my ophthalmologist, Doctor Ludie was a kindly, old man (I was a kid. All adults looked ancient.) with salt and pepper gray hair, a mustache, and glasses. (Oh wait, I might be describing the character of  Richard from Gilmore Girls. I don't remember which seasons, but he had a mustache at one point. Does anyone else love GG? I hope there is another season. I want Luke and Lorelai to have a baby. Oops, sorry, got lost in my own stream of consciousness. My bad)

Doctor Ludie would perform a typical eye exam. Then he'd do a test designed to check my alternating vision. I had to look through weird-looking binoculars. On one lens was a picture of a bird. On the other lens was a picture of its cage. A person without alternating vision could move the binoculars until the bird was in its cage.

No matter how hard I tried I could not get that stupid bird in its cage. This humiliating part of my eye exam went on for years.

I got a pill bottle filled with M & M's when my exam was finished. Today Doctor Ludie would probably be accused of encouraging children to take drugs by asking, "Are you ready for your pills?"

I could say the whole bird in the cage thing scarred me for life  It's a sweet childhood memory of a kind man. His kind of ophthalmology practice does not exist anymore.  

fun Fact: The parking lot of the building in which Doctor Ludie's office was located was a great place to ride bikes, or in my case trikes, on warm summer evenings in the '60s. My mom bent over, holding on to me as I peddled as fast as I could, trying to keep up with the girl from across the street.

The 60's. The era of people-based health care. Carefree evenings riding bikes. The best.

CAVIAR DREAMS ON A TUNA FISH BUDGET

 I blame the shrimp. When I was four years old my parents took me to a wedding reception. According to my mom, that is when I ate shrimp for the first time.

Picture It. (I've always wanted to write that in one of my posts) My four-year-old self is wearing. a Polly Flinders smocked dress. White ankle socks, with my name monogrammed on them, and black patent leather shoes, cover my wide fat little feet. This fashionista in training is scarfing down shrimp. 

Chipmunk cheeks filled with shrimp while dressed in the trendiest fashion of the day for little girls. I must have been a vision. (My mom would have never allowed me to have chipmunk cheeks full of shrimp. The word scarfing was most assuredly not in her vocabulary. Made you laugh though, didn't I?)

Fast forward to that Christmas when I asked for a pair of shiny white (Wait for it) go-go boots. (My Goldie Hawn period?) The fact that I couldn't stand up very well in them didn't matter  I looked so cool. 

Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, Lunch at the Ritz earrings, Dooney and Burke purses. Designer labels were everything. I am embarrassed to admit. that I begged my mom for a Gucci purse. She bought it for me When the strap on the purse broke, my mom super-glued it. I refused to use the purse. (Can you say spoiled?) No worries  My mom took over the purse

I told my mom. that someday I would spend the warm months in St. Louis and the cold months in California. I loved our California vacations. I had no idea how I was going to achieve this goal. Didn't matter that I was only working part-time, earning the minimum wage. Clearly, I was delusional.

Now that I am on Medicaid, EBT, and live in a group home I am grateful that I can pay my rent. I am grateful for the times my brother brought me a cupcake from Jilly's. Receiving government assistance kinda put things in perspective. I am not a  diva after all.

I still have caviar dreams on my tuna fish budget. That's okay.

FYI  I tasted caviar at a friend's house many years ago. I loved it!! 

THE BEST 4TH EVER!!!!

 Well, America's 245th  birthday is history. And, the noise from illegal personal fireworks was worse than ever. UGH!! When will people learn? I prayed for all of the animals who were terrified by all the loud booms.

 How could it have been my best fourth of July even if the noise was so bad you ask?  

I spent part of the afternoon with my friend Jenny and my new friends Eileen and her daughter Rose. Eileen and I have been Facebook friends for a while. This was our first meeting in person.

I heard stories of Eileen and Jenny's college days. I wished I had gone to college with them, but I was born too early.

There was a lot of laughter. I got to be goofy.  I have found my tribe. Jenny and Eileen share my love of classic sitcoms. I am now watching one of Eileen's favorite Korean dramas (soap operas) online. There is nothing I love better than an international soap opera. I get to experience another culture and get lost in the drama. at the same time.

Sitting on the patio,, listening to Eileen and Jenny's stories, I forgot about the times that I get yelled at. Forgot about the times that no one listens. Forgot about the people who want me to change the way I am. Jenny and Eileen accepted me just as I am. I felt normal. I forgot about my power chair, my CP. I was not nervous or self-conscious. I usually am when I meet someone for the first time. My mind races, trying to think of intelligent things to say. 

I was myself. 

I.belonged. 

Yeah, the noise was outta control that night. I, however, was engrossed in my new Korean drama. What's the noise of fireworks compared to a mall collapsing? Add to that guilt over a family member dying in the mall collapse. I mean, come on, there is nothing better.

Did I mention that Eileen can get all the Lucky Charms she wants?  Did I mention Jenny is Paul Mccartney's number one fan? I dIdn't?

I see interviews in their future.

Get ready ladies.

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IT IS NOT EASY

You do not want to be on Medicaid or Food stamps but you are. By the time your necessities are paid for. there is little left. 

It is not easy.

You were grateful to have received stimulus checks. you paid your dental bills, You need a new cell phone, laptop, and clothes. The extra money will be put to good use.

It is not easy.

You wish that you could reimburse family and friends for all the things they have done (and continue to do) for you. You know that saying thank you is not enough. It's the best you can do. Asking for help from other people.  It is not easy.

When the government is in your life they know everything about you. Everything from your interests to whether you sleep with your door open or closed. Anything may be asked at your ISP meeting.  No question is off-limits. If you decline to answer you might be labeled evasive./ You remember being called evasive by a caseworker for the State of Missouri while you were still living in your house in 2014. You learned the consequences of refusing to answer a caseworker's questions. 

It's not easy.

A trainee has to watch while you are being given a shower. Next time they will be the ones showering you. Modesty/privacy is a thing of the past. You may have just met them. They see everything. They know everything about you.  It's necessary.  It's appreciated.

It's not easy.

You make decisions. You make appointments. You get scared. You cancel. You are awash in embarrassment. What a wuss you are.

It's not easy.

You are told you have a talent. You are good at what you do. You're not paid for using your talent. You must not be that good. It's okay though. If you earn too much you will lose your government assistance. The government wants to keep you at the poverty level. What's up with that?  

It's not easy.

People are curious. People ask questions. They are unsure how to approach you. The hairstylist speaks to the person with you instead of directly to you. The dental hygienist takes control of the joystick of your chair, without asking, to maneuver your chair in the right spot You correct them. You educate. They understand.  

It's not easy. 

People you thought would be a part of your life forever are gone in a flash. They've moved on. You're stuck. You wish for one more day. 

It's not easy.

You hate fireworks. You startle. People may laugh. It's the hardest day of the year for you. 

It's not easy.

You watch movies. You dream of people and places you know you'll never see. 

It's not easy.

Having a disability is the easy part.

All the issues that occur as a result of that disability are not.