IT IS NOT EASY

You do not want to be on Medicaid or Food stamps but you are. By the time your necessities are paid for. There is little left. 

It is not easy.

You were grateful to have received stimulus checks. you paid your dental bills, You need a new cell phone, laptop, and clothes. The extra money will be put to good use.

It is not easy.

You wish you could reimburse family and friends for everything they have done (and continue to do) for you. You know that saying thank you is not enough. It's the best you can do. Asking for help from other people.  It is not easy.

When the government is in your life they know everything about you. Everything from your interests to whether you sleep with your door open or closed. Anything may be asked at your ISP meeting.  No question is off-limits. If you decline to answer you might be labeled evasive./ You remember being called evasive by a caseworker for the State of Missouri while you were still living in your house in 2014. You learned the consequences of refusing to answer a caseworker's questions. 

It's not easy.

A trainee has to watch while you are being given a shower. Next time they will be the ones showering you. Modesty/privacy is a thing of the past. You may have just met them. They see everything. They know everything about you.  It's necessary.  It's appreciated.

It's not easy.

You make decisions. You make appointments. You get scared. You cancel. You are awash in embarrassment. What a wuss you are.

It's not easy.

You are told you have a talent. You are good at what you do. You're not paid for using your talent. You must not be that good. It's okay though. If you earn too much you will lose your government assistance. The government wants to keep you at the poverty level. What's up with that?  

It's not easy.

People are curious. People ask questions. They are unsure how to approach you. The hairstylist speaks to the person with you instead of directly to you. The dental hygienist takes control of the joystick of your chair, without asking, to maneuver your chair in the right spot You correct them. You educate. They understand.  

It's not easy. 

People you thought would be a part of your life forever are gone in a flash. They've moved on. You're stuck. You wish for one more day. 

It's not easy.

You hate fireworks. You startle. People may laugh. It's the hardest day of the year for you. 

It's not easy.

You watch movies. You dream of people and places you know you'll never see. 

It's not easy.

Having a disability is the easy part.

All the issues that occur as a result of that disability are not.