Saturday, April 9, 2016

FAKER

"You're a phony" Someone said those words to me last Thursday. They told me that I portray myself as, The Disabled Diva, someone who can do things for herself. when, the realty is I cannot do much of anything for myself. Even making a decision is difficult for me. I worry what others will think of me. Even writing this is risky because I might lose readers. I am willing to take the risk.

When my mom died, I was left to manage my house oversee my dog Lucie's care as well as manage my caregivers. If I was too strict, they didn't like it. They'd quit. If was too lenient with them they'd walk all over me. I didn't have the skills to manage them effectively. I had over seventy caregivers come through my house from 2010-2014. I can hear you gasp as you read this.

My journey to this facility  began after the home care agency I was using hot lined one of my home care workers for mentally abusing me. A state social worker came to my house to talk to me. I thought they were there to talk about the caregiver. They were, but they were also there because I had been hot lined. I did not realize this at the time. When questions were asked about my finances and my relationship with my family, I did not answer them. I was deemed abrupt and evasive.

Lucie was old and sick. The carpets were ruined. I tried to  see that they were cleaned regularly, but the house was a mess. I didn't do a good job with Lucie or my house. The state said I needed twenty-four hour care. My family couldn't prevent my being forced from my home. I was unsafe. That's why I am here.

I have difficulty communicating my needs effectively. I am always being told that I don't know how to talk to people. Some aides here won't work with me. I am happy to say that all the aides today have worked with me. We have gotten along fine.It all comes down to me not having learned the proper skills. I am working on issues with a therapist.

This was a difficult post to write. It is not easy to admit that I failed. I didn't take advice when it was offered. I don't like anyone thinking I am a phony. I didn't intentionally misrepresent myself.

I hope you will want to continue on my life's journey with me.





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