MY CP IS A BALANCING ACT

It sucks not having sitting or standing balance. Feeling like I am going to fall is for me, the worst feeling in the world. If I actually do slide or God forbid, fall as I have countless times throughout my life. Forget it.  I am a wreck.

In the '60s doctors believed that if a child with CP did not achieve sitting and standing balance by the age of eight they never would. I didn't But it was not for lack of trying. 

Every night my mom would sit behind me supporting me as I stood in front of her.  I'm sure she was praying that when she let go of me I would stand on my own. It never happened. When Mom let go of me for a split second my body would wobble and she'd hurriedly catch me before I fell. My friends with CP achieved balance. I wanted to walk with crutches too. I wondered what was wrong with my brain. Why was it so messed up?

In PT they tried to teach me how to fall safely.  Mastering how to fall safely was a part of learning how to walk with crutches.

My PT was behind me with her hands on my shoulders. When she let go of me I was supposed to fall on the mat in front of with my arms outstretched to catch myself. Never happened. I fell like a ton of bricks onto the mat. I froe the minute I felt her let go of me.

When I tried to walk using crutches the same thing happened. I was fine as long as someone walked behind holding on to me. If they tried to let go. I would start to fall. 

I remember when a teacher sat me on a chair without armrests when I was in nursery school. Boom. I fell off the chair and hit my head. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting X-rays taken of my head to ensure that I did not have a concussion  

I've lost count of the number of times I fell and hit my head trying to walk in parallel bars, use a walker, or try to walk with crutches. Each time I was taken to the hospital for X-rays. I never had a concussion. Thank goodness.

I have been using a Sarac Lift for nine years. I began using this lift while in a nursing home.  The straps either popped off of the lift or were taken off by a staff member.  

It is freaky hanging by one strap for a minute or two.  The straps don't pop off often.  Once my staff learns how to properly attach the straps to my lift they don't come off at all.

My staff mistakes fear for meanness or anger. Anger comes from fear. I am afraid of falling. I am afraid of my CP not being understood. 

I  have trust issues from incidents that happened long before I moved into this house. It takes me a long time to trust someone caring for me.  I know that I need to have faith and trust that they know what they are doing. Trust does not come automatically. Mutual trust between a staff member and their client is built over time.

My CP...

It's a balancing act. 

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