MY CP IS A BALANCING ACT

It sucks not having balance. Feeling like I am going to fall is the worst feeling in the world. If I do slide, or God forbid, fall, as I have countless times throughout my life, forget it. I am a wreck.

In the '60s, doctors believed that if a child with CP did not achieve sitting and standing balance by the age of eight, they never would. I didn't, but it was not for lack of trying. 

Every night, my mom would sit behind me, supporting me as I stood in front of her.  I'm sure she was praying that when she let go of me, I would stand on my own. It never happened. When Mom let go of me for a split second, my body would wobble, and she'd hurriedly catch me before I fell. My friends with CP achieved balance. I wanted to walk with crutches, too. I wondered what was wrong with my brain. Why was it so messed up?

In PT, they tried to teach me how to fall safely.  Mastering how to fall safely was a part of learning how to walk with crutches.

My PT was behind me with her hands on my shoulders. When she let go, I was supposed to fall on the mat in front of me with my arms outstretched to catch myself. Never happened. I felt like a ton of bricks onto the mat. I froze the minute I felt her let go of me.

When I tried to walk using crutches, the same thing happened. I was fine as long as someone walked behind holding on to me. If they tried to let, go of me, I would start to fall. 

A teacher sat me on a chair without armrests in nursery school. Boom. I fell off the chair and hit my head. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting X-rays taken of my head to ensure that I did not have a concussion.  

I've lost count of the number of times I fell and hit my head trying to walk on parallel bars, use a walker, or try to walk with crutches. Each time, I was taken to the hospital for X-rays. Thankfully, I never had a concussion. 

My staff mistakes fear for meanness or anger. Anger comes from fear. I am afraid of falling. I am afraid my CP will not be understood. 

I have trust issues from incidents long before I moved into this house. It takes me a long time to trust someone caring for me.  I know that I need to have faith and trust that they know what they are doing. Trust does not come automatically. Mutual trust between a staff member and their client is built over time.

My CP...

It's a balancing act. 

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