Sunday, October 29, 2017

ONE CHIP AT AT TIME

I have a mental picture of my heart. It's encased in a block of ice. Protected.  

Every time someone says something mean or hurtful to me, every time someone makes me feel that I am not good enough, a piece of the ice that is protecting my heart chips away. It's like an ice sculpture being carved. The ice chips go flying. 

I am sixty. That's a lot of years.  Soon all the ice that is protecting my heart will be gone. My heart will be exposed. Vulnerable. Unprotected from. the rude and hurtful comments people make.

The kids in high school dropped heavy books to see me jump. They laughed. at me.  They were kids. They did not know any better. Adults do. I've had comments made about everything from my teeth (I live in a facility so obviously, I must wear dentures.), to my voice, ("You should learn to speak clearly.") Adults have called me names.  staff sees that my call light is on. But no one helps me. When the staff hears me calling for help, no one comes. I wet my bed. A piece of the ice chips away. 

Why am I not important?  What have I done? Why is it okay for me to have an accident? An aide blamed me for falling over on purpose when she sat me on side of my bed. 

A piece of the ice chipped away. when she blamed me. She does not understand my lack of balance. I wish the staff here would learn about CP.

I should be tougher. Shrug the hurtful comments off.  My tears begin to flow. I visualize the ice that is protecting my heart chipping away.

 None of this is my fault. I am fine just the way I am. It's okay to be emotional. It's healthy. I empathize with and have compassion for other people. The people that make hurtful comments do it to make themselves feel better. They do it so they can be in control. It's okay to be a dreamer. Being a dreamer helps me cope. Being a dreamer helps me live.

The comments still hurt. I know they are not my fault. I  am becoming emotionally stronger every day. Soon I will be able to shrug off the hurtful comments.  The ice around my heart will melt. My heart won't need it anymore. My heart will be able to protect and defend itself on its own.

























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