WHAT, ME WORRY?

When I was in school the buses that transported us were not equipped with wheelchair lifts. If a child was unable to walk they had to be carried up the bus steps to their seat by the bus driver and a child-care attendant. 

I wore leg braces made of metal and leather until I was thirteen. I wasn't really heavy. I was heavy to lift.

I remember the first time someone said I was heavy.  I was eleven years old. I was in the hospital preparing to have surgery on my legs. I was weighed A so before. I weighed eighty-nine pounds. I remember someone saying I was heavy.  Whether the person meant heavy in pounds or heavy to lift I didn't know. I was too young to understand the difference. All I knew was my weight was not good.

I kept my weight down to make it easier for my mom to take care of me. I believe this is part of the reason that she was to care for me by herself until she was eighty-seven years old.

My mom never denied me anything. We ate healthily. Sweets were okay in moderation. Unless we were getting Ted Drews Frozen Custard on a warm summer evening. On those nights moderation was forgotten replaced by my love of a Ted Drews pistachio concrete. http://teddrewes.com/ And, Lucky Charms, where have you been all my life? How is it that I just discovered how "magically delicious" you are in my sixties?

I lost a lot of weight when my mom passed away. I was underweight when I entered the nursing homes. I have maintained a healthy weight for the past seven years.

Depression, loneliness, and isolation are quite a combo. Before I knew it ice cream and mashed potatoes had become my best friends.  I still try to eat healthily, but comfort food tasted so much better than a salad.

When I was weighed several weeks ago my new chair weighed in at 500.5 pounds. Whoa!!  My old chair did not weigh nearly that much. The staff was not able to get an accurate weight on me. i never want to be too heavy for my caregivers. But there is also a little voice in my head that's now saying, "screw it. You've kept a good weight for the majority of your life. Give yourself a break. Enjoy yourself" A few pounds is not the end of the world."

I worry about everything. What will the staff report about me? I  am constantly replaying conversations in my head. Praying I have not asked the wrong question or said or done the wrong thing.

Life is short. One day we are here. The next we're not. I have always been a worrier. I care too much about what others think of me. 

I am going to listen to that voice in my head. I am going to enjoy myself. 

The most important reason not to worry? Worrying causes wrinkles. Who needs those?